we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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