He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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