I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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