3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
