I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize