Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
