Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
