My sheets look like a crime scene.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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