yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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