dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
