My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
