It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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