it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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