Someone shit on the floor
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
