You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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