stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
