that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
