she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm just crazy horny about you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
