Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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