dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
not ubering you a puppy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
