Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
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