I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
