Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
