My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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