The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
