I skipped work to stalk him.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
