I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
