I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
