she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
