Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
