Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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