Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
