I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize