Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
