you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
