Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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