Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
