If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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