my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
