Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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