I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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