I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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