After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
