Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
