The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
