6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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