I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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