She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
