I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize