Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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