We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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