yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
