my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
