OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
