I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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