The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
this hospital has no fireball
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
